Insomnia...

It's 2am and I can't sleep. This does not usually happen to me. I am usually the type that falls asleep at the drop of a hat but for some reason, tonight is different. I figured that I would try to lull myself to sleep by blogging. For that reason, if this blog makes no sense, please blame it on my lack of sleep.

You'll find that I will tend to write about things I have been through on my blog. If you keep checking in, you will start to learn about the mistakes I have made, how I have corrected those mistakes, and what I learned in the process. Let me be the first to tell you that I am far from perfect. I'm pretty sure I've made more bad choices than good ones in my lifetime. The beautiful part of that is that thanks to Jesus' precious gift on the cross, I'm forgiven and have learned from those mistakes.

I've been thinking a lot lately about authenticity. My brother in law wrote on this very topic not long ago on his blog. While I'm not as well read as him and I do not have his wonderful gift for writing, I also wanted to speak on this. I think it's a very important subject.

I find the pursuit of authenticity to be a struggle. I think in order to be truly authentic, you have to be completely honest with yourself and others in how you act. You also have to be willing to speak honestly about your thoughts and feelings when asked, no matter what the other person might think of your answer, and be willing to be challenged and possibly corrected if it's proven that you're wrong. All this needs to be done with a lot of love and respect for the person you are dealing with. I don't know about you, but this is a real battle for me. I used to be the person that would say anything if it agreed with the person I was talking to. I would act in whatever way would earn me the approval of the party I was with. I have finally come to the realization that no one could REALLY like me because no one REALLY knew me. I could not be known as a person who loved and respected those around me because I had never been one bit honest with anyone in my life. I am able to do that now. I'm also able to answer any question honestly regardless of how I think the other person may react. Being challenged and corrected? Well, let's just say that's still a work in progress.

Am I still tempted to be dishonest - all the time! The key here is that dishonesty is a choice. You can choose to be honest and take your lumps if people disagree with you, or you can choose to be dishonest and never really know who you are or what you stand for. I have to say, being honest with yourself and others is far less stressful than trying to remember what you told to what person and how you have to act in front of certain groups of people. God has called us to be truthful and loving to those around us. How can I possibly say that I am committed to following Christ if I don't do what He says? I know that Jesus will forgive me if I stumble, but that doesn't give me permission to keep doing what I know is wrong.

As far as being challenged goes...I've never been one to debate things. I have always disliked debating because it felt too much like fighting. I would get defensive and there ended any hope of discussion. I'd love to be able to tell you that I have improved in this area, but I'm still hopeless. Why should it be so difficult to defend what you know to be true? I've sometimes thought that this is why I don't tend to have really deep conversations with people. I'm too afraid that they will challenge me. My Dad once told me that we never seem to talk about things that really matter. I had no idea what he was talking about then, but now I think he must have been speaking about this. Stating something you believe in and debating the issue. Having a deep discussion of ideas and beliefs. Dad, if I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me and I promise, I won't get defensive!

We live in a free country where people have lost their lives so that we would be able to speak on any subject with absolute freedom. I am so blessed to live in a place where I can speak freely and follow Christ openly and yet for so long I have done the exact opposite. So my ongoing project is to continue to live authentically and without fear of what others say or think, and to speak what's on my heart truthfully and with as much love and respect as I can muster. Look out people! It's going to be a wild ride!!